I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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