im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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