i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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