the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
