i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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