omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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