Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you had me at cake vodka
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
