I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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