The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
