giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
