You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
