No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
