I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
