i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
