We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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