I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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