I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So vagazzling was a success
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
