Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
