hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
