I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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