first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Couch. On fire.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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