I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
