Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
