I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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