Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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