my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
