I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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