bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
