Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
