People in love make me want to vomit
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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