Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
