I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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