Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
