also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
