I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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