You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize