Do you still have your period?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
