dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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