My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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