Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize