next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
