Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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