I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
