is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
