i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
