ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
