yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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