i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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