When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
