Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize