I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
