You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
