my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
