If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
