I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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