I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
