me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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