I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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