I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
