The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
