somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
