I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
