i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
