im having a threesome with these popsicles
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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